Wow, it’s been a while, huh? *shrugs*

I keep thinking about wanting to post…but don’t have anything to say…so I don’t bother..
Or, I feel like I want to post cause I have something to say, but it’s too close to time to get to bed..so I can’t.
OR, like last night, I want to post, but I can’t cause the bloody cable is out. =\

*shrugs*
Either way, there’s not much going on, as usual.

Started thinking about direction of my life and whatnot…Eric said something, last night, about him having plans to like..move to California or something…and I’m like “Y’know…why am I here?”
And then I thought about why I never went to UACT…or why I don’t have life goals for myself.
I never went to UACT, basically, because I didn’t have the money for it…Essentially, that may have been some sort of…eternal …life…thing. Maybe I was always told that I couldn’t do things I wanted to do…and so I stopped wanting to do things?
…Yeah, blame the parents. lol *shrugs*

Anyway, I was just thinking about my childhood. “What did I want to be when I grew up”….I always said I wanted to make video games…I wanted to go to Digipen…then UACT when I read about it…UACT became my dream school..like UACT:Me::Harvard:Rory…y’know?
So what happened? Where did all my dreams go?
I came to MTSU because I had little else to do…my life was going nowhere, so I decided I’d go to MTSU because I could…
I intended to follow through with a Computer Science degree…which wasn’t exactly the “game design” degree from UACT…but it was something comparable..

…I guess…

And here I am…4ish years later..and I’m just I dunno. I have no idea what I’m doing >_<; and I wonder if any of it’s worth it. If any of it was the right thing to do…
And most importantly..

When will I feel like a grown up?

I still feel like I’m just a kid..living with my parents…but with their part of the house several hours away…
I don’t feel like my life is my own… I don’t feel like I can make the choices I want to make..without getting approval..

I mean, if I wanted to move to California…I could do that.
I could, for all intents and purposes, pack up and move out there tomorrow if I wanted…I could drop out of school, and just go…if I wanted to..

At least, I’m supposed to be able to…

…Why don’t I feel like I can? I feel constrained by these invisible bonds…because my parents wouldn’t approve or something.

Which is total bull - I know if I were to tell my parents that I was gonna move to California, they’d show concern for the rashness of the decision, but they’d support me in it..they’d be like “Well, we’ll miss you, but you do what you want..it’s your life.”

…Or would they?

See, I can just see the conversation…I’d be like “I’m quitting school and I’m moving to California” and my dad would begin to rant and rave about money. (as he always does)…and he’d bitch about me not finishing school…etc etc..

Mom would support me, of course…
…hmm..
Blame the parents…*chuckles and shrugs*

So that’s where I stand.

Just thinking…lots of thoughts, as usual. Lots of thoughts that decide nothing…because they essentially mean nothing.
Only one thing I’m sure of.

The most important thing I’d like to do when I’m grown up is know that I’m grown up.

…I can see where to take it from there…